Wednesday, March 28, 2012

warts and all

I think my thumb might fall off any day now. It’s the one on my right hand, and it has a lot of ailments—namely, a slew of warts and a way-down-deep splinter.

Yes, “warts” is a dirty word and I’m sorry to use it here, but I feel compelled to tell the truth. (Mainly because if I suddenly stop writing, you’ll know it’s because my thumb fell off and I can’t type anymore. You need to know these things.)

The warts have been there for eons (they’re all over my hand, and only my right one is stricken—perhaps I committed a grievous sin with it and am now reaping the dire consequences?), and we’ve become rather fond of each other, the warts and I, but then I got a little cut (I was grating cheese and decided it’d be a jolly hoot to grate my knuckle, too) and had to bandage up my thumb for a couple days which resulted in my wart, thanks to all the moisture trapped in by the bandage, puffing up to gross proportions and looking very much like a baby cauliflower that was sprouting from my thumb.

About that time, I discovered a baby wart a little higher up on my thumb. And then I poked my thumb on a jagged wooden doorframe, so on went another band-aid. A day later my thumb was hurting kind of bad, so off goes the bandage and that’s when I realized that part of the wooden doorframe was still in my thumb, a quarter-inch down in and with no easily graspable part of it sticking back out. And, two more baby warts were starting, yay and yay.

So I applied some wart-eating acid pads, put on two band-aids, and went to bed. The next time I take off the band-aids, there will probably be a whole colony of warts under there, whooping it up real good. I’m scared.

And as for the splinter, I had a thought. Once I put a too-big piece of wart-eating acid pad on my daughter’s finger and it ate off part of her finger along with the wart. So if the splinter doesn’t come off on its own, I’ll just stick a quarter-inch strip of acid pad over the splinter. That ought to do the trick, don’t you think?

(Notice there are no pictures. You're welcome.)

***

Nothing makes a house feel dirtier than swarms of flies. They congregate around certain areas on the floor/counters/stove/table/computer, and even though those areas may look clean, the cloud of flies is a dead giveaway that they’re not. It’s like the flies are infrared detectors, but instead of heat, they’re detecting food smears. It’s quite gross.

(Again, notice there are no pictures. You're welcome.)

***

In the car ride on the way to the theater (where we ushered for Richard III and my daughter was so freaked by all the killing that she alternated between fleeing the theater, burrowing her head into the doorjamb, and curling up in a ball on my lap—but she loved the play, she says), I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

I was trying to make conversation, discuss life on a deeper level, figure out the workings of her mind (which is very different from mine). Her answer, however, wasn’t exactly what I was aiming for.

“A grown-up,” she said.

I snorted.

Without missing a beat, she added, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I don’t always understand the kid but I sure do think she’s funny.

***


Speaking of that daughter...

1. One evening when she was helping me load (two hundred dollars worth of) groceries out of the shopping cart and into the van, she hoisted up a bag filled with three boxes of store-brand cornflakes (99 cents each) and said, “If people saw us with all this cereal, they’d think we were spoiled!”

Which warmed my heart right up. I love it that my child thinks she’s spoiled because we bought cornflakes.

I really, really love it.

2. You remember how she got her ears pierced last fall? Well, she kept having trouble with the left ear and about six weeks ago it got so infected that we finally told her to take the earring out and let it grow closed. We promised we’d get it pierced for her again once it healed.


Weeks went by (she had every intention of being a pirate with one gold hoop for Halloween) and then last weekend her friend re-pierced the ear! It wasn’t all the way closed (though it looked like it from the front) and my daughter said it hardly even hurt. The friend poked the earring through back to front, so my daughter wore a reversed earring for a number of days before turning it around and becoming a normal, two-ear pierced little 10-year-old girl again.

***

I am experimenting with English muffins and having an awful lot of fun doing it, too.


The first batch wasn’t right, but the kids thought they were pretty wonderful. They ate all but two (plus the couple I ate) for lunch.

What are you up to these days? Go on, tell me a story. I’m all ears and warty thumbs (er, thumb).

20 comments:

  1. Ooo the English muffins! Please post about them soon. Yours are much prettier than mine were, probably because I used mostly whole wheat. Sometimes I wish I didn't care about our health...

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  2. Ok. Your English muffins look perfect to me. You should open a little lunch shop or bakery or something. You are amazing in the kitchen. Your wart/splinter problem sounds pretty terrible. When we were teenagers, my brother dug a wart out of his hand. I just remember how it bled and bled. I think he's lucky he's alive. Maybe that was dramatic, but that's what my 16 year-old self still thinks. I do hope the acid eats away all things nasty and your hand is better for it.

    Over here on the Fringe, I'm getting an itch to organize. It's terribly difficult. I did not get one single organization gene. My brother got them all. Maybe I should just call him and have him come over and organize my house. Oh the decisions.
    ~FringeGirl

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  3. Replies
    1. P.S. Really good writing doesn't need pictures.

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  4. Wart Stick worked for me. Be sure to follow the directions.

    A splinter like that needs to be excised: dig with sterile needle till you can't stand the pain any longer, then dab with iodine (and hit the ceiling if it's dissolved in alcohol) and bandage with triple antibiotic ointment. All the digging makes it easier for the body to push it out.

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    1. This is from Mountaineer (who was at my computer), not!!! me. (Would I say "excise"? Mention some gross pharmaceutical product?)

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  5. your splinter makes me worried. but that swing photo is GREAT.

    I hope you figure out English muffins and let us know. I tried them once and ewww, I stick with store-bought for now. Actually, my bagels have not been great either recently. I'm a little disgruntled about that.

    Today was my birthday and I did exactly what I felt like. It was a lovely little life vacation.

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  6. I really love digging out splinters. From my own skin or others'. What a satisfying job. Warts hurt more, but are equally as satisfying. I've only ever tried that on myself, however. We tried flying a kite today in the blustery conditions provided by the approaching storm. As a longer than normal gust took the kite to it's highest point of the day, Oscar exclaimed, "Man, I SURE am having a good time!" It was the first time flying a kite for the little man. That was certainly the highlight of my day.

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  7. Jennifer, let me just say that I feel your pain about the wart issue. My kids have had warts for a while that I cannot get rid of--mostly because there are times I've failed as a mother and this is one!! However, I wanted to tell you about a wart remedy that HAS worked for us (whenever I remember to enforce it = my downfall with warts.) Have you heard of putting duct tape on warts? I guess it has been proven that putting this specific type of tape on warts and keeping it on will get rid of them. (Thus says my pediatrician.) Just thought I'd pass that along.

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    1. Our kids had warts too our Pediatrician told us use the wart stuff, duct tape each night for one week, then ignore for one week repeat this for 6 weeks .... And sure enough they are gone!

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  8. Your English muffins look great! I'd love to try to make some - but I'm not feeling too ambitious right now. As for the splinter, you might try numbing it a little with Ambesol and then digging around with a needle. I skewered my pinky with a piece of fir when we were working on the kitchen a couple years ago and ended up going to the ER after a few days to see if they could get it out. The doctor said it would do more damage to get it out than to leave it so I still have it in my finger.

    I love the pictures you've been taking lately. It looks like you've figured out your camera!

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  9. I started making english muffins too! I was really surprised at just how EASY they were! And my family LOVED them. I can't eat them because of a wheat sensitivity, but they sure smelled good! The best part was they had all those nooks and crannies- I was so proud of myself!

    You GO girl! :)

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  10. I had a sliver in my foot once and the podiatrist put that same wart stuff over where it was so that it would fester and expel the splinter. So Mama you have the right idea. Good luck!

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    1. I knew it! I'm destined to become a doctor!

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  11. I am all kinds of sensitive when it comes to earrings (have been all my life) and it turns out I'm allergic to the nickel in most jewelry. Simply Whispers has a good selection of nickel free earrings....and Claire's does, as well. (Ha....allergic to Nickel. There's a joke in there somewhere for your kidlets...)

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  12. You might try soaking the splintered area in epsom salts. That may help draw it out, as well as any other impurities.

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  13. The hole will not close up completely! My daughter had the sam problem, over a year later (yes, a year later) we used the earring, starting from the back, and slowly re-opened the hole. It took less than 3 minutes. From the back, then the front, then the back, then the front. Removing the extra tissue that was built up inside of the hole.

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  14. My own mama used to have warts all over both hands, great masses of them. Eventually they disappeared. It's some kind of virus, I think they say.

    Q.

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  15. Hurry up and post the freakin' muffin recipe already. It's almost the weekend. :) Pretty please.

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    1. I would if I could but I can't---I haven't figured them out yet! I will, though, I promise. That is, if I ever get it right.

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